Sidenote: Self esteem and self perception

Honestly. This is just a rant I needed to get out of my system before it eats me alive. It's depressing and awful. I wouldn't blame you in the least if you wanted to skip it entirely.


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As I put on my Facebook status tonight: "*ugh*fits the bill for so many things right now."
Ugh, because it's hot and sticky and gross, and ugh, because my self esteem and self perception is in flux, again. And ugh, because this entire rant is stream-of-consciousness. I apologize if this doesn't make any sense.

Not to make light of any serious mental disorder, but I honestly think the part of my brain that controls self esteem and self perception is bi-polar. I know many, if not all, people have some sort of issue with the way they look - either weight, or not liking their hair, or whatever.   However, there are days when I look in the mirror and don't like what I see at all. Today became one of those days.

I went to Target after having coffee after school, and decided to try on a skirt. But after I took a look at myself in the mirror before I changed, the first thought that ran through my head was "Why didn't anyone tell me I looked this awful today?", which I know is bad. And it completely contradicts what I did hear today - that blue is my color and I did look nice. But all I could focus on was the negative - my shirt was too big (it's stretched out from wearing it), my hips are too wide, I have a fucking stomach roll, my thighs are huge, and I hate the way my hair is right now. And from there, everything started to go downhill.

Now, there is no logical reason for this to be happening. As far as I can remember, I've never been called names about my weight, or had negative things said about the way I look. It's just all in my head. And it's a mental block I just can't get past. My ex could never understand why I had such a negative view of myself, but I cant' really remember that he ever told me explicitly that I was pretty. I know that's really, really shallow and I mean, I'm sure he did at some point, but nothing really sticks out in my head.

But as I get this negative self esteem in my head about the way I look, how much I weigh, and so on - my self perception also starts to deteriorate. And I start thinking that that is the reason why I'm still single after how many fucking years, and how I haven't been able to even attract a guy, or even get one interested in me. That's the sad thing that I hate even thinking about or mentioning. I've been single for four fucking years. And I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.  That I'm going to be perpetually single for ever. That I just must not be that attractive and so on, so forth. It's a vicious cycle, really. I'm afraid I'm going to become bitter and jaded. I don't think I'm a strong enough person to be perpetually single and be okay with it, honestly. That's a totally anti-feminist stand point, and I don't care. It sucks being the odd person out sometimes.

And so I know, in a few days somehow, someway my self esteem and self perception will start to be built up again, and things will go back to status quo - feeling generally okay with myself, but having that nagging feeling of not "measuring up". The sad thing that goes along with this, is I don't know what I want to "measure up" to.

I don't know if I'll ever think of myself as attractive, or ever get over this negative perception.  I'm certain it will always be there, and it will come in waves like this. But I just hope that one day I can get this all tamped down, and locked away in it's own little box.


We'll be back to regularly scheduled programming tomorrow - I promise.